Step 12 of the AA program is:  “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

We come to the end of our initial meditation of how all of us can use profitably use the 12 steps of the 12 step program begun by Dr. Bob S and Bill W. in 1934 in Akron, Ohio for those struggling with alcohol addiction. Since that time the program has been adapted for use by those struggling with addictions to other drugs, food, gambling, and sex.  It is also used by loved ones of those struggling with addictions.

As I have earlier stated. my understanding of addiction is it is the attachment to some thing, person, behavior or substance to avoid dealing with ourselves.  Although we may experiment with various ways of relaxing or feeling better,  with addiction the thing, person, substance or behavior becomes our primary focus to the extent that the other parts of our life are adversely affected. With some addictions brain actually changes and, thus, the addiction has be treated as any other disease.  

The addictive journey frequently, or perhaps always,  begins as a way for we humans to avoid dealing the seemingly core belief we adopt very early in life that we are missing something; that we are not enough; that we need to somehow prove our worth.  Often we either embark on a journey to get enough money, education, religion, or possessions  to prove we are better than or we can look for some behavior or substance which essentially numbs us to the point that we are unable to function in a healthy way.  Neither way works long term.  It is never enough.

Regardless of what we have used in an attempt to avoid being with ourselves as we are, if we are lucky we all come to a point where we are forced to face ourselves.  If we are very lucky we have identified a program or system for beginning our spiritual journey of healing/recovery.  The two men who began the 12 step program, along with other alcoholics, stumbled on or were inspired to create a 12 step program which required a step by step course of work which led to a “spiritual awakening” and, thus, a way for them to find serenity and then to go on to help other struggling alcoholics. 

Unlike some of the religious systems with which many of us were raised, the 12-step program offers a system of spiritual growth/recovery/awakening which, without any use of the concept of shame, if followed, leads to what is called a spiritual awakening.    I am very comfortable using the term spiritual awakening.  Others may want to use a different terms.  Oxfordictionary.com defines spiritual as:  “Of, relating to, or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things.”    Many of we humans,

even if we cannot define spirit or spiritual can identify with the “dis ease” of the spirit – a general sense of not being at home or at peace in our own body.  Some individuals who think in terms of systems might describe this  as an imbalance in this wonderful system we call the human body which is part of ever increasing circle of systems which encompasses the entire universe or  universes. 

I have been suggesting that the 12 step program as devised by those two struggling men in Akron, Ohio in 1934 can be used by all of us to  step by step become more at peace with ourselves and the systems of which we are a part.

We can, of course, use other systems but I want to suggest that whatever system we use include all the steps/pieces which are included in the 12 steps.  We can certainly use some religious or philosophical  approaches such as the Buddhism, or other mind body approaches. I do not think it matters.

Spiritual growth/recovery is contagious.  One of the traditions of the 12 step program is “attraction not promotion”.  Those who are feeling good about themselves and about claiming a good life of which they can be proud will find that other people notice that they have something they want. This provides them an opportunity to share the program which has guided them to this enviable place in their life journey.

Long before I knew of the 12 step program I had the habit of searching out people who had some of “that something” which I wanted.  I would hear or meet or see someone who had a passion for life and for creating a more just and loving world and “just know” that they had something I wanted. I have been known to go up to a stranger and say to them, “I am Jim Pickett. You have something I want. Can we talk?”   Without fail, people were willing to share.  Since becoming familiar with the 12 step program, working as an addiction counselor and attending meetings with clients many of those people who have something I wanted have or now use the 12 step program.  The willingness of people to share what they have found in the 12 step program is, like Grace, a gift one cannot earn – one for which one can only be grateful.

Of course, being the greedy person that I am I continue to seek out other teachers  such as a Buddhist Nun, the recently deceased author and teacher, Wayne Dyer, the yoga teacher Matthew Sanford, and  many more who I have mentioned in other blogs.

On page 106 on AA.org we read:

“THE joy of living is the theme of A.A.’s Twelfth Step, and action is its key word. Here we turn outward toward our fellow alcoholics who are still in distress. Here we experience the kind of giving that asks no rewards. Here we begin to practice all Twelve Steps of the program in our daily lives so that we and those about us may find emotional sobriety. When the Twelfth Step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love that has no price tag on it.

Our Twelfth Step also says that as a result of practicing all the Steps, we have each found something called a spiritual awakening. “  P 106  aa.org

Let us again remind ourselves what the aa 12th step says:

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Actually it is because the recovering alcoholic is practicing those principles in all his/her affairs that they have that “something” which others are going to find so attractive.  Because of their resulting spiritual awakening they are going to want to share their story with others.  As they share with others they are going to be listening to themselves and, thus, reminding themselves that they must continue to use the tools of the program – the 12 steps, sponsor, meetings, conventions, spiritual retreats – if they are to hold on to their spiritual awakening which… It is always a circle.

I, of, course, am suggesting that we can all have that spiritual awakening. As I have previously suggested  it is important to not allow  one’s history with a word to keep one from getting what one needs and deserves.  If the word spiritual has too much  baggage than call  it just “an awakening”, “a blossoming” or “claiming joy” or whatever.

It is not surprising to me that the 12 step program makes liberal use of the shortened version of Reinhold Niebuhr’s prayer

The Serenity Prayer

The full text of the original "Serenity Prayer" written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

GOD, grant me the serenity

to accept the things

I cannot change,

Courage to change the

things I can, and the

wisdom to know the difference.

Many do not know the full version of this prayer. It is:

The Serenity Prayer

The full text of the original "Serenity Prayer" written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

GOD, grant me the serenity

to accept the things

I cannot change,

Courage to change the

things I can, and the

wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as the

pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this

sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make

all things right if I

surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy

in this life, and supremely

happy with Him forever in

the next.

Amen

This is the full prayer attributed to Karl Paul Reinhold Niebuhr reportedly written in 1926. Niebuhr was a Lutheran pastor and theologian.

Hopefully, the 13 blogs I have written on the 12 steps have been helpful to some.  Certainly writing them have been  a helpful reminder to me.  I appreciate being able to share my thoughts and feelings with you, the reader, and am very grateful for your ongoing encouragement and loving support.

Written September 17, 2015

                 

甘え

I found a reference to the Japanese term Amae  on page 90 of Father Gregory Boyle’s book, Tattoos on the Heart – The Power of Endless Compassion.  He says,  “The Japanese speak of a concept called amae, living in a deep sense of being cherished, of raising kids lovingly.”   Andrew Hammond in thinkjapanblog.com states that amae “means to depend on anothers kindness….Japanese pride themselves on being dependent. . .This is why many Japanese people come across as energetic and grateful, because they strongly appreciate when something is done for them, and they often feel giri, or obligation to return the kindness.   This obligation is often the beginning of a relationship… Amae is instinctive to Japanese, and it is key to keeping a strong, communal relationship in Japan, and maintaining the Japanese sense of respect, humility, and spirit.”

Father Gregory seems to maintain that when you do something for someone you are communicating to him or her that they are important; that they are cherished. That would seem to be consistent with his overall theology.

I read many other interpretations of the concept of Amae.  It was interesting to me that so often the term dependent was used to describe the resulting relationship.  This was frequently made to sound negative.  I would use the term interdependent.  If I am obligated to do something for you because you depend on that for survival and, in turn, the other person(s) are obliged to both return the kindness and to initiate it with others then the result is an interdependence, which forms a system in which, of course, one would feel cherished. 

I want to briefly discuss this concept without explaining the glaring examples of the Japanese not practicing amae towards each other or others outside of their country/culture.  I am not going to deal with the aspect of the Japanese culture, which has been very violent and has not always been free of sexism or other behavior which has not left everyone feeling cherished.  Certainly, we humans can also cite examples of the disparity between what we say we believe and our behavior on a daily basis.  For those of us who comes from a Christian or a Buddhist tradition, we are very aware of our shortcomings, of our failure to live up to our stated beliefs about how we should treat all other people.

In my experience I need a goal to which to aspire.  If I aspire to practice amae, I will daily look for ways to reach out to do something helpful or kind without any expectation of that person giving back to me.  (What some entitle random acts of kindness).  I may, however, have a hope that the other person will, as they say, “play it forward”.    In fact my reading of the results of research on individual and group behavior is that, indeed, if we are treated with kindness we are more likely to treat others with kindness. 

The work and life of Father Boyle is predicated on the belief that we are essentially good.    Father Boyle, ask Miguel, “How do you do it? I mean, given all that you’ve been through-all the pain and stuff you’ve suffered-how are you like the way you are?”  Miguel replies, “You know I always suspected that there was some goodness in me, but I just couldn’t find it. Until one day, “he quiets a bit-“one day, I discovered it here, in my heart. I found it…goodness. And ever since that day, I have known who I was.”

I am goodness. You are goodness. This is at the heart of the work that Father Boyle has done with the LA gang members who have often led a life of crime, violence and abuse of others in every way imaginable.  His assumption, much like the assumption of Mother Theresa, is that in all of us there is some goodness.  If we practice amae  there is a possibility of that goodness being released from the internal safe in which it has been locked because of fear and grief. 

I spent time with my friends Dana and Jennifer and their two children last evening.   I have known these children since they were born. They have been cherished from day one.  They are goodness personified.  Being cherished also allows them to pass through the normal developmental states.    Young Dana is a very precocious 11.  He is exploring his dance and his voice. At 11 one does not always act with kindness or appreciation.  His parents will lovingly guide him through this developmental stage as they will his sister Cecelia    They may get stern, frustrated, exhausted and emit significant sighs at times (they are human), but the kids know that they are cherished.  I also know that I and other “family members” adore and cherish them.  There is nothing they could do which would cause them to not be cherished. They could and probably do exasperate their parents. Thank goodness there is two parents so that can trade off parenting just as one of them is about to lose it.

Sadly this is not the experience of many, many people. This is not how we treat each other when one of us makes a mistake. If we break one of the millions of local, state or federal laws normally we will be punished when caught. Time after time I have sat in a courtroom and listened to a judge tell a person- often a young person – how worthless they are; what an irredeemable bad person they are.  To be sure I have also witnessed wonderful exceptions when the judge says to a young person, “ I know you are a good person. I know you need help and not punishment.” That is not our normal modus operando.

We are a nation which historically has prided itself on our ability to delude ourselves into thinking that we are independent and do not need other people or nations. We can do it. It is difficult to reach out for help; to acknowledge that we need another.  We would often rather pay for temporary comfort of a massage, sexual pleasure, or a maid so that the contract is clear and once we have paid our money we owe the other person/functionary nothing.

I was certainly one of those who grew up believing that I could only depend on myself and could only blame myself if I did not do well.  I started recording and filing my “sins” at a very early age.  I was not going to need anyone or anything.    Yet, later when I looked back I could see that many who provided me with a lot of help cherished me.  It might have been my favorite aunt and uncle, an older woman friend who would always find/make time to listen, a teacher who always said loving, encouraging things to me or a host of others.  They gave without me asking.  This was juxtaposed against the behavior of those, including the minister, who told me how bad or sinful I was.  Although I was not homeless and I did not have to resort to stealing or violently proving myself, I, as did Miguel, have to discover the goodness within me. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the work of the Father Boyles and Mother Theresa’s of this world unlocked the door behind which lives that truth; the truth and wisdom of amae.